Sea Story Sundays: The Day GMSN Brown Pooped

Oh, liberty stories. Every sailor worth his salt has one. That one time a sailor got caught banging a hooker in the middle of Texas Street in Busan at 2 p.m. The time your shipmate got busted by NCIS trying to sell meth to a Thai woman. Everybody’s got a sea story.

My favorite one will always be of a certain gunner’s mate. To protect his privacy, let’s call him “Brown.” The reason why will become apparent, I assure you.

This guy joined the Navy young. He knew what he wanted, bless him, he wanted to be a Navy gunner’s mate, and he wanted to wreak havoc on the tiny Pacific nations that depend on the United States for defense. He got his wish, thankfully, as the Navy is always in need of another gunner’s mate.

There are ports that are purported to be career-killers. Seal Beach Weapons Station, for one. Anywhere in Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam. Hell, being a CO in mainland Japan must be like walking a minefield.

Never, ever, in my career, did I hear anyone say anything about the perils of going ashore in Singapore. It’s too expensive to get in trouble, and the cops are ever-present with truncheons of iron and hate.

GMSN Brown, however, was no ordinary sailor.

His story is twofold. His first trip, he was underage to drink. Many ships opt to allow their sailors to consume alcohol regardless, so long as they meet the local statute of 18. On this visit, our captain said “Nah.” GMSN, being 19, echoed this remark when presented with the possibility of going back to the ship sober.

“Nah.”

He drank to excess, and at the end of the night, enjoyed a delicacy unique to Singapore called the double McSpicy. It’s a spicy chicken sandwich sold at McDonald’s in Singapore and a couple other places, with some sweet Asian sauce that makes your entire life worthwhile. It is, however, very spicy, and contains some ingredients relatively unknown to Americans.

He had two.

When he got back to the ship (safely and without raising alarms, I might add), he went to his rack. Good idea, right?

Here’s where my part comes in. I woke up at 0600 to the sound of bare feet slapping the deck. I was hung over, but coherent enough to register that bare feet + berthing floor = foot death. I was about to say something, when I noticed a first-class I was well-acquainted with hunting the berthing compartment like a bloodhound, sniffing the air and searching for the source of some phantom smell.

Curious, I took in a deep nasal breath, and the smell of straight poo struck me like a ton of poo-scented bricks. It was like a fart, but multiplied by a hundred. I winced sharply, and noticed that PO1 Bloodhound had quickly caught the source, ripping open GMSN Brown’s rack curtains.

“WHAT THE F*CK?!? DID YOU SH*T YOURSELF?!”

“H—huh? Wah? OH! WHAT HAPPENED?!”

Now, obviously PO1 Bloodhound has very, very sensitive olfactory senses. I’ve farted around him before. Very sensitive. The smell coming out of Brown’s rack was nothing short of profane. When Brown awoke, he seemed unsure that it was him what shat, and that the dried, liquidy poop was someone pulling a prank on him. He jumped out of his rack, dumping lumps of poo all over the deck as he did.

At this point, I retreated into my rack, closing the curtains slowly and trying to think of things that don’t smell like human shit.

He needed some convincing, but in the end accepted that, yes, he had done pooped hisself. By the time I fell asleep, he had changed, and began cleaning the poop smears he left between his rack and the head. When I woke up, he was in uniform, pulling his poopy sheets and blanket off his mattress.

Later, as I was departing to go partake of my own debauchery, I got to catch GMSN Brown walking the Walk of Shame with his mattress, featuring a giant, gaudy dookie-stain in the center, from the forward berthing all the way to the dumpster on the pier.

Did this stop this sailor’s career dead in its tracks? No, good readers, it did not. That came later, in GMSN Brown in Singapore, Part II.

Do you have a favorite Sea Story? Let us know, and we’ll feature it in Sea Story Sunday!