You’re probably here because you’re a sailor, or you were a sailor and now you’re prowling the internet to see how badly the young’uns are f*cking up your Navy. Actually, you might even be a Navy Chief.

This blog is not for you. You’ve already seen the Navy Chief Petty Officer in the wild, you know what to expect. This post is for the young bucks looking to enter the big blue Navy for the first time, who may not have seen these elusive beasts.

If that’s you, then join Navy Crow on an expedition into the very depths of the Chief’s Mess. Put on your good pants, because this is gonna be a big one.

The Navy Chief: a Primer

At a minimum, a Chief Petty Officer has to have been in the Navy for at least 6 years. That’s the fastest you can make it, and that’s incredibly uncommon.

The average across the Navy is for a First-class Petty Officer to put on khakis at 13 years. For the ex-sailors following along, remember how salty you were after one tour. After just four or six years, you had pissed in more saltwater than most people ever see in their lives. The grizzled, foul-mouthed alcoholic sailor is a stereotype for a reason: being a sailor on a warship is tough, trying work.

Now double the amount of salt, and you get a Chief. Some rates are saltier than others: a CTTC (cryptological technician chief) might be a little more kind and gentle than a BMC (boatswain’s mate chief) because the fight to get into those khakis is a lot tougher for BM’s. Never, ever assume that a Chief is going to be chill just because he’s in a technical rate. Some of those guys are more high-strung than a bag of wet cats.

There’s some weird sh*t that goes down in the Chief’s Mess, and it’s best you prepare yourself for it.

For one: do not ever wash a Chief’s mug. You’re going to see a mug with your Chief’s name and anchors on it. The inside is going to look like old leather, it’s actually just crusted-on coffee. Don’t touch the goddamn thing. Just leave it alone. Nobody knows why they do it, but it’s a Chiefly tradition and if you wash it they’re going to do mean, despicable things to you.

Okay, I seriously can’t emphasize that enough.

Do not wash a Chief’s mug.

If you want a good idea of how “not-to-be-f*cked-with” a Chief is, look for tattoos. There’s a good chance they’ll have some visible. If they have tattoos that have a Navy theme to them, like their rate, red and green lanterns, anchors with skulls, whatever, DON’T TALK TO THAT CHIEF. That Chief is probably the biggest asshole you’ll ever meet in your life.

If you could see that Chief’s chest tattoos, it would probably feature a list of women’s names with lines through them because in order to be a Chief you have to have at least one divorce and at least one assault and battery charge.

If you know your shave or your haircut is out of regs, I’d just avoid the door to the Chief’s Mess altogether. Go around the other side of the ship and stay out of the way of anyone wearing a khaki belt. You’ll thank me later.

They’re not your enemies.

All that said, the best leader you’ll have during your time in the Navy will probably be a Chief. They have the capacity to be mentors and leaders that no other branch of the military can offer. The person that most influenced my adult self was a Chief, and I’ll always be thankful to him for turning my dirtbag ass around. They can be big, mean, and intimidating at times, but never forget they’re sailors, just like you, and they were where you are once.

Respect them, fear them, but don’t ever cross them.

Are you celebrating the Navy Chief’s Birthday? Check out Navy Crow’s line of Chief Anchored Coins! Celebrate April 4th in style with these sweet-ass challenge coins to give to your favorite Chief!