I’m Pretty Sure Petty Officers are Superheroes
A Petty Officer is a strange creature. They’re technical experts, junior leaders, and expert sailors. Most have been through the grinder a bit already. They’ve still got just enough spirit to cause trouble, with the funniest goddamn results you’ll ever see.
After nine years in the Navy, I’m convinced that all Petty Officers, myself included, are secretly superheroes. Here’s why:
A Petty Officer can sleep anywhere in secret.
I’ve seen petty officers sleep inside the five-inch magazine while firing. While firing. Read that again. I’ve watched people sleep, while a gun fires 75-lb projectiles directly above them.
I’ve seen sailors sleep in 110-degree heat, dripping with sweat. In full body armor. They don’t care, sleep happens when sleep happens.
Two-hour jobs take fifteen minutes.
This immediately rings alarms of “gundecking.” I’ve seen it happen. I’ve seen Petty Officers who can’t aim for shit qualify for Sharpshooter and Expert ribbons because their liberty is contingent upon their finishing the marksmanship course.
I’ve seen a berthing get cleaned in fifteen minutes when it normally takes an hour and a half because it was holding up liberty. When liberty is at stake, a Petty Officer can do goddamn near anything.
Petty Officers can accomplish supernatural feats of strength to fuck with each other.
This one baffles me the most. I’ve seen a sailor who can barely pass the pushup portion of the PRT grab a man by the collar and belt, and drag him through a puddle of water on the deck.
I’ve seen 80-lb mattresses get strapped onto pipes 15 feet above the deck. I’ve seen grown men get thrown into the air like a fucking WWE match. It often horrifies me that my colleagues can call upon such extraordinary might, but choose to use this power for evil.
Sure, this evidence is anecdotal; of course, you can draw your own conclusions. I’m actually a bit torn. I think maybe, just maybe, every Petty Officer is secretly a super villain.
Commemorate your entry into the annals of the Hall of Evil with the Murder of Crows shirt from Navy Crow! It’s a badass way to show how awesome your superpowers are!
